Sunday, October 12, 2014

Not what you assume...

I freaking HATE assumptions.   People assume they know a story or have details and in reality...they know the farthest from what is really happening.

My life has gone to shit since being diagnosed  with ppd.   Honestly,  I'm not sure how I am here today to tell about it...but whatever.   Nothing in my life is what it once was.  My friends aren't friends.  The person who is my best friend is not an ideal friend and since he's the opposite  sex, that automatically  means we are sleeping  together and plan to screw over our significant  others and be together.  What???  That is the most ridiculous  idea ever.   I'm dodging daggers  right now over how this tiny ordeal got blown into pure chaos.  Thanks you people who decide to tell shit your way instead if the true way.  Obviously  if two people say it...it must be gospel!   Right?!?!  I mean in this big ol world,  what two people say really means so much???  Wow. 

I'm not perfect.   I make mistakes.  I fail.  I've failed over and over.  However I am true and devoted and even though my life is absolute shit...that doesn't mean I wanna wreck anyone else's. 

Friday, October 3, 2014

Finding out who your friends are...

When you're at the bottom of the bottom...you really find out who your true friends are.   There's absolutely  no one here for me...no one.  All the people I thought I could count on seem to be jerking me every which way and I'm just absolutely  torn.  This is pretty much the lowest I've ever been.  The absolute  darkest time of my life and everyone  is using that against me.  It fucking sucks.   Yeah...I might be crazy...but the fact that everyone is shunning me or pointing out my flaws, sure as hell ain't making me any  fucking better.

I'm not crazy.  I'm depressed,  lonely, tired, emotionally, physically & mentally  exhausted.   I'm tired of being treated like shit and I'm tired of life.  Seems like every little thread of hope that try and grasp onto just unravels.   No one understands,  no one even fucking tries!

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Disturbed?

What do you call it when one part of you is sick, tired, angry, emotionally exhausted & another piece of you is feeling something you've never known, but that tiny portion that you have a slight grasp on is making you crave for more.   Life is hard.  It's so hard to distinguish between feelings and decide what is wrong and what is real.  Truth is,  I dunno if I'm disturbed or if what I thought was right all along is really wrong and for some reason that is just now being revealed???

This week,  I pray that I find answers.  God knows my needs and he knows that my poor heart, soul and mind can't handle much more.   I need direction.

I will forgive those who have wronged me and I will pray that I am forgiven by those I have wronged. 

I will be happier.  I know in the physical sense, I am NOT happy.  I want to be.   I'm praying to get there and fast!!!

Friday, September 26, 2014

Letter to you...

Shit day.   No, really.   SHIT FUCKING DAY!

I'm so tired of negativity.   I'm tired of feeling like this.  I'm tired of people pushing me around like I am some sort of fucking toy that can be manipulated.  I'm fighting back.  No more nice, quiet Dawn.

To my (ex)friend...yeah, I'm using that term loosely...You're a bitch.  You deserve what you get.  You weren't worthy of the countless time I invested nor the drama you've caused!  You've manipulated me, you continuously manipulate others and you're teaching your kids your sick and twisted ways.  Get help!  You're NOT normal!

To everyone who keeps offering help and advice during my deep, dark bout with this stupid depression...it'd be real nice if you stood behind your empty promises.

To the person who is supposed to be my rock...I'd like to chuck one at you.  A big one.  At your head.  Thanks for the support...er, ummmm,  UNSUPPORT!!!

To myself...please get out of this place.   Two freaking years.  Two LONG years.  Whatever imbalance or chemical is causing this shit...STOP!  It's ruining my fucking life!!!

To the ONE person who seems to care most and makes me feel like pushing when it seems impossible...you're my heart.  Thanks for being a true best friend.

To my family...I could use some extra support.   I know y'all are busy and shit but pick up the phone.  Damn. 

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Why???

Why must I feel like this every freaking day???  I need an intervention.   Seriously.   Doubt that would work for me.   I've tried tricking my brain into happy thoughts.   Didn't really work.

Follow up at Dr for the crazy anxiety this weekend.   No new answers...just the same old hang in there.  Damn...I'm trying but it's killing me.  Literally.

My Playlist fave me hope...my faves, back to back.