Thursday, August 28, 2014

Never really satisfied

Is that just human nature?   The more you get,  the more you want.   You get something,  then you want bigger and better.  You get bigger and better and you want even more...or something different all together.   Why can't we ever be content for more than a minute?  Why can't we just love and appreciate?  I guess it is human nature to just want more.  To never be satisfied and if you find that you are, it's only temporary.   Life does have a lot to offer and seems that striving for better is good.  However when you constantly second guess yourself, and wondering why you settled...it's hard to be satisfied.

I had huge plans for this life.  Plans to be someone,  to go places and to never ever feel second best again.  I was never going to let someone make me feel the way I had been made to feel for a LONG time.   I was determined.  I searched and searched.   I had many unstable relationships (not always serious), I could never really find what made me truly happy.  When I finally did, I grabbed on.  Was that what I should have done?  Should I have found myself before I found someone else?  

Here I am.   Changed by some ridiculous diagnosis.  I hate myself and it's making me bitter.  I'm angry!   I'm tired.  I hurt.  All the things I need, those are all unimportant.   My fears are dumb.  I can't compare.  Blah....blah....blah.  Is anyone ever going to be enough???

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Sick and tired of being sick and tired...

I'm tired.  Not like physically tired...well, maybe I am...but like mentally tired.  I want my brain to shut off.  I want it to stop questioning me.  I want it to stop making me second guess myself.  I want it to stop telling me that I don't deserve to be happy.  I want it to stop making me feel like my suffering is some sort of repayment for mistakes.  I need it to just stop! 

Over the last two years, my life has seemed like a downward spiral!  Unexpected pregnancy when I thought I was DONE having kids and didn't even think it was possible.   Don't get me wrong, I love my sweet boy!  However,  the pregnancy and aftermath known as postpartum depression has kicked my ass.  Not like a little...like the biggest ass kicking ever. Seriously!   Honestly,  it's only by God's grace that I'm here to tell my story.  Yeah,  it's been that bad!

Aside from the postpartum depression and sever anxiety...I've really just lost everything I once had.  My self respect,  my fight,  my drive.  I am not me!  I am not who I was.  I am not who I want to be.  I am different.   Changed.  I'm facing a demon I never ever thought I'd face.  I don't want to be here, I don't want to do any of this anymore.  

I question my entire being.  I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.   I wanna walk away and start over.   I'm tired of the same day in and day out and I just want to be done.  Done as in never look back.  How would one get to a place like this?   How could I be so selfish?   My kids need me.  I need them.  The rest,  that's pretty much a toss up.  At this point I'm not sure if it would even matter in the smallest amount if I just disappeared.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Love...

What is Love?  I mean like real, true, head over heels love!  I think I know, thought I knew, have known...whatever.   I often wonder how people stay in love, what makes someone fall out of love?   Hell, what makes them fall in love?  Where do the butterflies in the belly come in?   The goosebumps?  The longing to be together and intimate?  Is this a chain of events?  Can you truly love someone you've never been intimate with?  Can you love two people?  Can you just stop loving someone?  Why is love complicated?   Or is it us humans who make it complicated rather than just letting it be what it really is???

Monday, August 18, 2014

The days are long but the nights even longer...

True story.   I used to think there weren't enough hours in the day...and now I feel there are too many.  The nights seem longer, I don't sleep well, my mind wanders.  I tell myself I'm going to do things different and then the next day is just as cumbersome as the one before.

My life is missing something.   Something vital.  Something that I must have.   Something that I'm doing without.   I'm searching, but empty handed and hearted.  How do I get there from here...without screwing up many lives in the process???????

Such a mess...

Almost daily I ask myself how I get into these messes...er...um...situations.  You'd think at this point I'd have it together and I'd know exactly what to do...but I don't.   I'm really tired inside,  I'm lonely,  I'm heart broken,  I'm cold and I'm barely keeping my head above water.  I don't know how I got here or how to get out.  I'm struggling,  mostly with myself, and my future feels uncertain.   I don't like uncertainty.   I'm not a fly by the seat of my pants kinda girl.  I like stability and structure and my once solid foundation seems to have cracks.  Those cracks are costly repairs and not always able to just be "patched" up.  I'm actually tired of patching things up.  That's really not a fix to the underlying issue.  This sounds deep...I guess it kinda is.

My heart physically hurts.  It's tired.  I spend most days with ridiculous anxiety, tension,  anger and no value of self worth.  Everything I did "wrong", I've made right (or tried).  Everything I swore I'd never do, has crossed my mind.  Everything I've ever needed, just isn't enough.   That seems a little steep...but I'm not really speaking in the physical aspect. 

I'm kinda quiet, it takes me a while to open up and share how I feel. Once I'm comfortable,  I'm loud.  I'm fun.   I'm broken.  I'm facing demons.  I know what love is, I know what it isn't.   I know what it's like at the top and I'm all too familiar what it's like at the bottom.  I've seen a lot...but I've done only a little.   My heart has been used, abused, abandoned,  and even cherished.   I've cried more than my fair share of tears.  I've begged and pleaded.  I've cursed and I've screamed. 

From this dark place, I cannot say what will be of the outcome for me.  I have absolutely no idea how I will ever be the same or even better.  I can see nothing but heartache and I've tried to be positive,  and to build myself up.  At what point do I wash my hands and walk away???

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

How in the....

You know those days when you look around and ask yourself, "how in the hell did I get here?"...I'm having one of those years,  evidently.   I continuously find myself asking how I got here, why I got here and how the hell am I gonna get out.  I've been living a shit storm, so to speak.  I love my husband...even though he's less than loveable sometimes.   I love my children and I am thankful for such precious gifts.  I love my family,  and I am forever grateful that I've gotten to meet my Dad and my siblings.  I love my friends and if it weren't for the pep talks and positive vibes,  I'd have gone off the deep end.  I love God, and although I should never question,  I wonder why he'd allow such darkness to evade my once beautiful soul. 

It's been hard, I want to quit.  I want to walk away and tell this life where it can stick it!   I wanna scream, "okay, you win...now leave me alone! "  I'd kinda like to punch the next person I see who says to me,  "you don't have it bad, why are you complaining? "  You're right, I don't have it bad...and that's why I can't understand one fucking bit of this chaos.  I've went from a sound mind to an absolute train wreck!   I'm questioning my marriage, my abilities to mother my kids, my friends, my purpose, my reasons for even being alive...and I hate that!!!

I know this blog is seeming dark, and it gets old reading the same shit day in and day out...but this is what I'm dealing with.  I can not kick it, it's kicking me though...that's for sure!!!  Say a prayer...that a devine intervention will come for me (and my baby brother who is also battling his own demon), and my dad who is in liver failure.   God must think I'm a badass...cause I get it all in a mega dose!