Monday, July 28, 2014

At war

Do you ever feel like you're in a war with yourself?   My brain is constantly running and it's a back and forth battle all the time.  I feel so uneasy about some things and I'm constantly trying to fix things in my head.  I would NEVER sleep if I didnt have my wonderful little pill that gives me no option. Lol. I wish I could put my brains energy into my body and put it to good use.  Like running a mile or two a day, scrubbing the baseboards and walls, cleaning bathroom grout, organizing the pantry, vacuuming dust bunnies...you know, all the stuff I need to do but can only find energy to do what has to be done.  Such is life, I suppose?!?! 

I've felt pretty good lately.   My emotional meltdowns have been at bay.  I've been feeling a sense of belonging and some sense of self worth.  My heart has been happy and I've tried to not worry over what I have no control over.  I feel so much better when I can do that.  The. There are times I feel overwhelmed.   We need to better house, I can't get a job because I'd be paying daycare to raise my kids.  I hate debt, especially credit cards.  They are the devil!  We have our needs,  most of our wants (hence the debt), but why does it seem like we get no where?  We're not big spenders.  I like nice things, some pricier, but I'm not a shop every day person.   I miss the fostering subsidy right now.  I paid a few bills, bought extras and did the laundry soaps, shampoos and diapers from that too.  The little bit helped...and now I feel like I need it.  My husband is world's worst crab when it comes to money.  He feels like he needs a set amount in the bank,  always.  I'm the opposite.   Pay what you have to, keep a small savings and enjoy the rest.  Not much use in having it if you can't enjoy it.  You can't take it with you.  We're about like vinegar and oil when it comes to money.   We are totally different.   It bothers me, but I just blow it off.  Whatever,  it's his anyway. Right?!?!  I'm just the stay at home mom who works nearly all day everyday and I make sure everyone else is taken care of...but I neglect my self.  That job doesn't pay, therefore my opinion isn't valued.  I get it. 
Today I'm at war with myself.  Obviously!   I'm wondering where that self worth went and why people feel the need to put others down.  No, I don't work a 40 hour job.  I work a 24/7 job.  No, I'm not heavy lifting, standing all day, using my every muscle to work hard to make a dollar so I can let my head tell me that u need more and more money.   I take care of everything,  prepare all the meals, deal with kids all day and night.  I do baths, bedtimes, cleaning, laundry, dishes, take phone calls, attend all school meetings and functions, I do Dr appointments, I am the wing man who deals with everything that you don't,  but you get paid and that's what counts.  I feel constantly reminded that I don't get "paid".  There is no monetary compensation for being a mother...however it's the hardest job that he will NEVER do!!!  I'm worth something.   I've gotta learn to say that!

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Feeling better than I've been in a LONG time...

That has to mean something good, right???  Less anxiety for sure and things seem to be on an even keel.  The roller coaster of emotions has slowed and this seem to be easier.  I feel peace.  Like an overwhelming peace.  Things are working out in God's time, and he's got everything under control. 

I've been having regular phone conversations with my Dad, which I love.  I wasn't sure I'd ever get to this point and now I find myself saving the voice mails,  because I actually have a dad, he called me and I have proof. Lol.  Seems silly, but I've waited forever...okay, 33 and a half years...and I finally have a dad!  =)

My mom took the news well and was so supportive, which made me super happy.  I worried so much about what she'd think or say.  She's been everything for me and I never want her feeling "replaced".  I just needed my missing piece, especially at this point in my life.   I've been battling demons, been at the bottom of the bottom, contemplated my existence,  and wondered how I'd ever make it out of this mess alive.  My world is not so dark.  I'm still struggling,  trying to find my way back to me...but this is a good start.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

All good things must end...

That's right...the spur of the moment vacation that has changed my life, is over.  However,  the relationships that I have made are far from ending.   I am leaving Texas a different person than I came.  The part of me that has been missing for so long, is no longer missing.  I know in my heart that God made all of this possible.  This is where I am supposed to be, and all of this heartache,  soul searching and persistence has paid off.  I am forever changed.  Something that I have longed for, is no longer a dream.

I've been struggling for a very LONG time with the unknown.  I've had this void in my life and so many things would constantly remind me of this.  I would try searching but always came to a "road block", and became discouraged.  However,  with many prayers prayed and tears shed, it all has paid off.  I now know, and that is what I really needed.  Once again, God made a way for me and for that I will be forever grateful.

Let's hope this dark chapter of my life is coming to an end.  I'm ready to turn the page.  I want happiness and my bubbly personality to return.  I need to be a good mom, wife, daughter, sister and friend.  I need to be me. 

Friday, June 27, 2014

What is that smell???

Since we're leaving for a little vacation,  I decided I should clean my car.  We'll that, and there's this raunchy stench in there and for nearly three weeks I feel like I wanna barf when I get in.  I was clueless as to what it could be.  My kids don't eat in the car.  There were no sippy cups (don't judge, it's happened).  My car is new and it had the new car smell before this raunch took over.  Anyway,  so I pull car seats out, pick up any trash (store tags from new toys), and start vacuuming.  I get near the third row and I could seriously puke.  I'm looking under seats and everything.  Nothing found, so I decided since the car seats were out I'd fold the seats up and try that.   BINGO!  It was a bit from Joe's Crab Shack from when we took girls before they left.  Kassidy had saved her bib, crab leg juice and all.  Blech!  No wonder it was a rotten smell. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Still.holding.on...barely.

Why must things start to look up, positives start flowing and then BOOM...set backs & storms??? I'm not talking a little wind and rain kinda thing.  I'm talking HUGE, tornado-ish kinda thing.  Something that can potentially be life altering...something that changes you. 

The past 19 months of my life have been dark, and by dark I mean pitch freaking black.  There have been days when I have contemplated just stepping away from it all.  That's NOT who I am.  That's not who I want to be.  I am a warrior...uhm, ehrrm, I WAS a warrior.   These days there's not much fight left.  Thank you postpartum depression & anxiety for ruining my life!  That's right, you heard it here...postpartum depression is real, it affects real people, it is serious and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.  I've tried everything,  and when I say everything, I mean it.  Medication after medication,  diet, exercise,  vitamins, supplements,  herbs, more medications,  therapy, journaling, blogging,  habit changes, foster parenting, talking with friends (the few I have anyway), praying, sobbing, anger, shopping,  massage therapy, psychiatrist,  more medicine...and here we are, barely hanging on.

I love my husband, I adore him!  Does he drive me crazy, sure.  It just wouldn't be right if he didn't ;-).  I love and treasure my children.  They are healthy and beautiful and some days are the only reason I keep up this battle.  I love my family,  they're always supportive and willing to help.  I love the few friends I have, and although I've been a crappy friend, I'm glad they're still encouraging me to fight.  I love the girls and while the decision to seek a different placement was hard, it was necessary.   They have many issues, families who've done nothing but be critical and cynical.   With my issues, I need to worry about me and my kids...and having the time or sanity enough to deal with the constant ridiculousness is just not feasible.   I bowed out gracefully,  and if you chose to think for one second that I'm selfish and that I didn't do my best,  well...that's your problem.  Maybe you need a psychiatrist too.  The life I have is generally ideal.  I am able to stay home and raise my kids, no issues that should cause a depression so deep and dark!  So why???  Why? Why? Why?

It's a constant battle and most days I'm teetering on the edge of totally losing it and grabbing enough rope to tie a knot and hang on.   When will it get better?  When will it get easier.  When will my merciful God swoop me up and give me the rest I so desperately need?  At this point I'm pretty much begging...

So, if you see me and I'm not smiling or friendly...it's because inside I'm dying.  My brain does not function in any other mode than deep, dark & complacent right now.  I'm trying hard to be positive but it's incredibly hard.  There's something missing from my life and I'm trying to find it.  It's like a puzzle, but I'm missing pieces.   Important pieces, and before this puzzle can be completed I've gotta find them.  In the meantime,  it's a jumbled, messy pile.