Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Love...

What is Love?  I mean like real, true, head over heels love!  I think I know, thought I knew, have known...whatever.   I often wonder how people stay in love, what makes someone fall out of love?   Hell, what makes them fall in love?  Where do the butterflies in the belly come in?   The goosebumps?  The longing to be together and intimate?  Is this a chain of events?  Can you truly love someone you've never been intimate with?  Can you love two people?  Can you just stop loving someone?  Why is love complicated?   Or is it us humans who make it complicated rather than just letting it be what it really is???

Monday, August 18, 2014

The days are long but the nights even longer...

True story.   I used to think there weren't enough hours in the day...and now I feel there are too many.  The nights seem longer, I don't sleep well, my mind wanders.  I tell myself I'm going to do things different and then the next day is just as cumbersome as the one before.

My life is missing something.   Something vital.  Something that I must have.   Something that I'm doing without.   I'm searching, but empty handed and hearted.  How do I get there from here...without screwing up many lives in the process???????

Such a mess...

Almost daily I ask myself how I get into these messes...er...um...situations.  You'd think at this point I'd have it together and I'd know exactly what to do...but I don't.   I'm really tired inside,  I'm lonely,  I'm heart broken,  I'm cold and I'm barely keeping my head above water.  I don't know how I got here or how to get out.  I'm struggling,  mostly with myself, and my future feels uncertain.   I don't like uncertainty.   I'm not a fly by the seat of my pants kinda girl.  I like stability and structure and my once solid foundation seems to have cracks.  Those cracks are costly repairs and not always able to just be "patched" up.  I'm actually tired of patching things up.  That's really not a fix to the underlying issue.  This sounds deep...I guess it kinda is.

My heart physically hurts.  It's tired.  I spend most days with ridiculous anxiety, tension,  anger and no value of self worth.  Everything I did "wrong", I've made right (or tried).  Everything I swore I'd never do, has crossed my mind.  Everything I've ever needed, just isn't enough.   That seems a little steep...but I'm not really speaking in the physical aspect. 

I'm kinda quiet, it takes me a while to open up and share how I feel. Once I'm comfortable,  I'm loud.  I'm fun.   I'm broken.  I'm facing demons.  I know what love is, I know what it isn't.   I know what it's like at the top and I'm all too familiar what it's like at the bottom.  I've seen a lot...but I've done only a little.   My heart has been used, abused, abandoned,  and even cherished.   I've cried more than my fair share of tears.  I've begged and pleaded.  I've cursed and I've screamed. 

From this dark place, I cannot say what will be of the outcome for me.  I have absolutely no idea how I will ever be the same or even better.  I can see nothing but heartache and I've tried to be positive,  and to build myself up.  At what point do I wash my hands and walk away???

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

How in the....

You know those days when you look around and ask yourself, "how in the hell did I get here?"...I'm having one of those years,  evidently.   I continuously find myself asking how I got here, why I got here and how the hell am I gonna get out.  I've been living a shit storm, so to speak.  I love my husband...even though he's less than loveable sometimes.   I love my children and I am thankful for such precious gifts.  I love my family,  and I am forever grateful that I've gotten to meet my Dad and my siblings.  I love my friends and if it weren't for the pep talks and positive vibes,  I'd have gone off the deep end.  I love God, and although I should never question,  I wonder why he'd allow such darkness to evade my once beautiful soul. 

It's been hard, I want to quit.  I want to walk away and tell this life where it can stick it!   I wanna scream, "okay, you win...now leave me alone! "  I'd kinda like to punch the next person I see who says to me,  "you don't have it bad, why are you complaining? "  You're right, I don't have it bad...and that's why I can't understand one fucking bit of this chaos.  I've went from a sound mind to an absolute train wreck!   I'm questioning my marriage, my abilities to mother my kids, my friends, my purpose, my reasons for even being alive...and I hate that!!!

I know this blog is seeming dark, and it gets old reading the same shit day in and day out...but this is what I'm dealing with.  I can not kick it, it's kicking me though...that's for sure!!!  Say a prayer...that a devine intervention will come for me (and my baby brother who is also battling his own demon), and my dad who is in liver failure.   God must think I'm a badass...cause I get it all in a mega dose!

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

When is enough, really enough???

Can you be at wits end with yourself?  Can you tell yourself you've had enough?  I'm not sure how I got here...or how to get the hell out!?!?  My life seems like a whirlwind.   I'm not sure if I'm gonna even come out alive.  At this point, making it another day is a miracle.  I don't know how I can continue to face the demons that are consuming me.

I see people being addicted,  whether it be drugs or alcohol...and they are consumed.   It eventually claims their life because they can't quit.  Not me...i don't battle either.  I see people battling terminal illnesses and fighting to live.  I'm not the healthiest...but no terminal illnesses.  I see people fighting others so that we can go free, knowing they may die.  I don't even have to go to work.  I see people starving...I can't even recall the last time I was truly hungry.  None of these things are present, yet I feel that I'm barely hanging on.  Depression is serious, it consumes you and it's ruining my life.  I keep pep talking myself saying I will be fine and I will pull through...but I don't know that it's true.

This once beautiful life has really turned to turmoil for me in the last two years.  I can't name the number of times when I asked myself why I was even continuing on.  I've got so much to live for and in my mind I know that...but deep inside I feel that not one single person would be changed one bit if I were dead.  I can easily be replaced.   My purpose here is really irrelevant.   This beautiful life that I've been so blessed to have, appears a blur when I am consumed by this demon!

I need a devine intervention.   Not a therapy session where I sit in front if some overpaid psychologist while she says "and how does that make you feel?"  Not a journal to collect my thoughts.  Not my family saying we're here for you (even though they think I'm crazy).  Not dragging myself to a church where I feel I don't fit in and everything that's being said is a blur.  I need God to show me his mercy and grace and for this life that has absolutely kicked me in my ass...and HARD, to turn around.  Another day in negativity could be one too many!

I need to be better, not bitter...

Why does that seem so hard?  I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm tired,  I'm emotionally and mentally drained.  I push the positivity to help me, but in the end I'm being defeated.

Life has been exceptionally rough...yet no one understands.   Depression is a dark demon that consumes you.  You can't just deal.  It doesn't just GO AWAY!  I'm ridiculously tired of battling this.  I feel defeated!

Saturday, August 9, 2014

=(

800+ miles from home, and feel I got so many emotions and not knowing what the future holds is rough.  I met my father for the first time five weeks ago.  Today, he's lying in a hospital and I'm trying to figure out how I'll live without the person I have lived without my entire life.  Now that I have him, I'm not ready to let go.  It took me a long 33 years to get here.  I've needed him for a long time,  and now I have him...so say a little prayer that he pulls through this and that we can keep him on the fast track to healthy!

The last week has been a challenge.   I'm battling demons that I had never imagined possible.  Just when I think that PPD has taken a back seat and I'm seeing the light, WHAM...it kicks my ass again.  Then I'm pondering my own existence.   Why must one deal with such a battle with in?