Do you ever feel like you're in a war with yourself? My brain is constantly running and it's a back and forth battle all the time. I feel so uneasy about some things and I'm constantly trying to fix things in my head. I would NEVER sleep if I didnt have my wonderful little pill that gives me no option. Lol. I wish I could put my brains energy into my body and put it to good use. Like running a mile or two a day, scrubbing the baseboards and walls, cleaning bathroom grout, organizing the pantry, vacuuming dust bunnies...you know, all the stuff I need to do but can only find energy to do what has to be done. Such is life, I suppose?!?!
I've felt pretty good lately. My emotional meltdowns have been at bay. I've been feeling a sense of belonging and some sense of self worth. My heart has been happy and I've tried to not worry over what I have no control over. I feel so much better when I can do that. The. There are times I feel overwhelmed. We need to better house, I can't get a job because I'd be paying daycare to raise my kids. I hate debt, especially credit cards. They are the devil! We have our needs, most of our wants (hence the debt), but why does it seem like we get no where? We're not big spenders. I like nice things, some pricier, but I'm not a shop every day person. I miss the fostering subsidy right now. I paid a few bills, bought extras and did the laundry soaps, shampoos and diapers from that too. The little bit helped...and now I feel like I need it. My husband is world's worst crab when it comes to money. He feels like he needs a set amount in the bank, always. I'm the opposite. Pay what you have to, keep a small savings and enjoy the rest. Not much use in having it if you can't enjoy it. You can't take it with you. We're about like vinegar and oil when it comes to money. We are totally different. It bothers me, but I just blow it off. Whatever, it's his anyway. Right?!?! I'm just the stay at home mom who works nearly all day everyday and I make sure everyone else is taken care of...but I neglect my self. That job doesn't pay, therefore my opinion isn't valued. I get it.
Today I'm at war with myself. Obviously! I'm wondering where that self worth went and why people feel the need to put others down. No, I don't work a 40 hour job. I work a 24/7 job. No, I'm not heavy lifting, standing all day, using my every muscle to work hard to make a dollar so I can let my head tell me that u need more and more money. I take care of everything, prepare all the meals, deal with kids all day and night. I do baths, bedtimes, cleaning, laundry, dishes, take phone calls, attend all school meetings and functions, I do Dr appointments, I am the wing man who deals with everything that you don't, but you get paid and that's what counts. I feel constantly reminded that I don't get "paid". There is no monetary compensation for being a mother...however it's the hardest job that he will NEVER do!!! I'm worth something. I've gotta learn to say that!