Tuesday, April 15, 2014

I'm giving all I've got...

But it sure feels like no one else is giving.  I'm constantly doing & nothing ever changes.  It's pretty much like being in a boat with no paddle.  I mean seriously,  why can I not get out of this?!?!  One person can only do and handle so much.  Sometimes life in general can be too much, I get that.   But life with husband, kids, bills, kids that are someone else's,  the PPD, house work,  daily frustrations,  people just being stupid,  feeling consumed by anxiety...I just don't see an end to this darkness.  

Monday, April 7, 2014

By helping others, I'm robbing myself...

I've put so much effort into these kids.  I took them on a whim to keep them out of a strangers home.  I made my home a home that would suit their needs.  We inconvenienced ourselves.  My boys have to share a room now and my poor baby is crammed in our room, making less room for the over abundance of stuff we have.  I wanted to give the girls a better life but in the meantime I am spreading myself so thin. It's not feel so unfair for me to take away from my own kids and to be so stressed that I can't even function.  And not to mention worrying about all the things that I'm supposed to be doing, supposed to be teaching and supposed to be taking them to. I have absolutely zero time or energy for anything!  All my days are filled with kids to wake up, kids who got to get on the preschool, kids who gotta get on the school bus, babysitting for a friend, breakfast,  tidying the house,  chasing Jared (a.k.a. super climber with no fear). The morning is quiet after the kids go to school...and that's my time. I can just sit and watch them play quietly together and I can kinda recollect myself and try to make a plan of how I'm going to make it through another day.  I'm not sure that I was cut out for parenting, period.  I'm not patient.  I'm not good in situations where I have to be the bad guy.   It's incredibly hard for me to enjoy these times.  I should treasure these moments.   My kids will never be this young again.  I can't get any of this back.    This job is hard and I took on even more.  It's my own fault that my heart  gets me every time. I can't say no to someone, especially when I know how bad they really need the help. When I went into this, I was assuming that the other party was going to help themselves but unfortunately when it comes down to it, I don't think she's going to do a damn thing except sit on her ass while somebody else does everything for her.  That must be the life!  Someone is doing YOUR job and you're collecting government benefits, sitting on Facebook and Instagram all day.  If you want to know if I'm angry about that... yes I'm very angry and right now I would really really really like the kick her right square in her ass for getting herself into this mess and for raising her children like this!  They don't have a clue when it comes to things that you should know.  They don't use a clean dish rag when washing the dishes, they think cleaning house is in humane, they complain to take their bath, they seldom even wash with soap when they're in there, they'd wear the same clothes for days on end, they don't comb hair if you don't remind them, they don't brush their teeth if you don't remind them and even when you do they say I just brushed him yesterday.  All of this boils down to me cleaning up the mess because somebody  didn't take care of HER kids! She failed to teach the kids the things that normal people teach, put drugs and men before her kids, couldn't keep a job to save her life,  and lived in complete filth,  while collecting AND selling her government benefits.   Way to go!  Pat yourself on the back for a job well done.  Did I mention how ANGRY I am??? 

As a parent,  we all fail.  We've all gotten ourselves in tight spots, made bad decisions,  snapped at our kids when angered, and had poor judgement of people we've allowed in our lives.  However,  you learn from those things and strive to become better, right?!?!  But what I do NOT understand is how someone can neglect their children like this.  Yes,  I am angry because I'm doing her job...but I am also angry that she has damaged these kids physically,  mentally and emotionally.   Who does this?!?! 

Okay, end rant.  Sorry for the anger and frustration.   This is my outlet.   My own little therapy.   It's free...and I don't have to leave home to get it. 

Monday, March 31, 2014

When is enough really enough???

Days like today make me want to throw in the towel.  It seems like everything is constant turmoil with the kids.   How hard is it to do what I say the first time I say it?!  It's been half of a year and they still can't do chores right.  I repeat myself a million times a day.   My house is a wreck five minutes after it's clean.   My laundry is mountain-like.  Fairly soon it may very well be a tourist attraction.   There's zero appreciation for anything.   I feel like it's a constant battle of do for me's, I wants,  bickering,  and high volume chaos.  Honestly, I have  had a headache for nine straight weeks.   Tension, stress and anxiety are a rough deal.   So when do you chalk it up and give up?   I've given so much that I barely have anything left to give.  I see no remorse, appreciation or inclination to be better from them.  I'm the bad guy because I make them do chores and try to teach responsibility.   I want them to learn that all actions have consequences.  I want them to have an future and not follow the same pathetic footsteps as the person who created this entire mess.  Guess that's a bit much...

On to better things!

I enjoyed a kid free date with my husband to celebrate our anniversary.   It was an amazing meal, they had my favorite wine & we polished off the evening with friends.  The only thing that would've made it better...A self cleaning house.  Wishful thinking,  ehhh?!?!

Oh, and my bestie is home!  Her hubby is deployed (bad for her, good for our country and me).  She's been here while waiting for her renter's to move.  I love the company and all the kids are loving these sleepovers.  My headache...not so much.  My house is housing three adults,  eight kids and two dogs.  There just aren't enough hours in a day to tackle this train wreck we call home. 

Speaking of home...We're looking at some houses.   We're bustier at the seams here.   This house is big, but the layout stinks.  The kitchen is the smallest kitchen ever & with all these kids, it just isn't working.  Plus I despise the hideous wallpaper,  putrid 60's tile in the bathrooms, paneling & the laundry in the basement.   I want something that I love.  Not perfect,  but perfect for us.  Something that is actually my style and I can be happy with.  My prayer is that the 'perfect' house will suit our needs won't break the bank.  Oh, and that we find it SOON!!!

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Still struggling...

I'm beginning to think the PPD will last forever.  I tried stopping the meds to see if they were keeping me in the 'rut'.  That was NOT a pretty month and a half.  Yikes!  I just keep telling myself "this too shall pass".  I may be lying to myself!?!?

We've had a rough few weeks with the girls.  Emotional meltdowns have happened and they are putting things together and the know that 'mom(if you'd classify her as one) is not doing the requirements to get reunification.   It's incredibly heartbreaking.   I hate telling them things will be fine, because I don't feel like pumping them full of false hope is appropriate.   At this point,  she's had 7+ months to do a handful of requirements and her motivation is zero.  She's now homeless and back with the same group of losers who got her in the mess she's in.  I thought losing your kids to DFS/CPS would be rock bottom.  If nothing else could pull me from reality,  that would.  So now, someone else (ME) is working so hard to clean up the mess she's created for them.  They need so much help.  We're working on chores.   Be consistent.   Be responsible.   I pray that whatever the outcome is in this whole situation, that they realize we gave them our best and nothing we have done/will do is to mold them into responsible adults.  A situation like this is no cakewalk.   We've struggled with everything from having to do chores,  to emotional meltdowns and trying to explain things on their level.  

Last night, as I fell into bed at 1:30 am (so technically that's today), I was beyond exhausted.   My mind is on overload!  I want to do God's will for these girls.  I want to keep them connected with their families.   However,  the idea of people attacking me personally because they feel inferior,  frightens me.  The idea that all of my time will be divided amongst six kids, 24/7, for a LONG time is frightening.   People have been very judgemental on my parenting style.   That bothers me.  Why aren't they judging the person who actually neglected their kids, which resulted in all of this?  I've never harmed, mistreated or been unfair.  We have rules! We do chores.   We take privileges away when you don't do what you're told.  We eat vegetables.   We love.  We spoil, but not so much that they expect a handout.  How is any of this bad?  This is what real parents do. 

I then shut my mind off.  I thanked God for keeping me sane for another day.  I'm thankful,  but exhausted.   Then I closed my eyes and all was right in the world.  For a few hours anyway...

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Do the struggles really make you wise???

I know life can't always be beautiful.   I know that perfection is work, and you truly get back what you put in...well, you're supposed to anyway.   Days like today, I feel like I've given so much that there's just nothing left to give.  I'm tired.  I'm mentally,  emotionally and physically drained.  My days all full and I'm so busy catering to what everyone else needs or wants, that I neglect myself.  As sad (and gross) as this sounds, I don't even know if I brushed my teeth today.  No shower.  Hot mess, left over hair-do.  Previous days makeup...what's left of it.  Yoga pants and a hoodie.  These things have become my everyday lifestyle.   I go in public looking like this!!!  Anyone who knows me, knows that I do NOT leave home without my makeup and hair done.  Well, I didn't use to.   I do now.  Not much option when it takes me an hour to get kids ready and out the door.  There's no time for what I need.

Today, the anxiety is extreme.   I'm paranoid.   It's almost sickening.   I'm not really even sure that I'm alive.  Well, I am alive.  Like breathing,  walking,  talking with a pulse.  But I feel numb, dead inside.  Cold, empty and detached from reality.

I need to get a grip.  Shake this demon.  Get better.  Pull outta the funk. 

But I just can't...